STRUGGLING AT 40
STRUGGLING AT 40
1.5 min read
by Markey Motsinger @markeymotsinger
Dear Journal,
At 40, I had hoped I would be more at peace with, well, everything. Yet here I am struggling with so much. I am even struggling with the fact that I’m struggling. Why can’t I have it all together? Sometimes I feel like I’m back in high school with the same insecurities.
Right now in life, when someone points out a flaw, I struggle. Society teaches us to be strong and perfect, so when people see flaws in me, it produces a fear within me that I’m not enough.
I'm struggling to feel like I fit in. I find myself jealous of women who have tons of friends and are the life of the party. When I look at them, I want to be them. Satan has always been good at telling me that people don't like me.
I’m struggling with women who aggressively say and get all they want, while I keep quiet. Have I mentioned how much I hate conflict? I hate that I’m not quick enough to defend myself, or put them in their place. (Nevermind the fact that God wouldn't want me to do this!)
I’m struggling with the fact that people don’t love all my ideas. I end up fighting to win the conversation and getting my idea implemented so I will feel good about myself. I fight for my idea so I feel a little less overlooked, dismissed, or stupid.
I’m struggling with that fact that Jesus isn’t fixing all my flaws. Ha! He has the ability but is choosing to have me walk a journey of learning and healing. Which to be honest, sucks.
God, what is going on inside of me? What is the root cause of my insecurity? It has to be a lack of identity and trust in you. Just because an idea isn’t used, doesn’t mean it was stupid or that I’m being dismissed. I hate when Satan’s lies are louder in my head than your truth.
Help me understand what is at the core of my offenses. Stop me in my tracks and make me aware of what I am feeling in each specific moment. Speak truth to me in a way that overcomes the lies and desires that bring bondage.
Your Turn…
Did you think by your age, you would be wiser or have it together? The older we get, the more we realize that we will never have it all together. Having it all together is just a myth. It doesn’t help that I often read magazine titles that tell me there are only “5 secrets to having it all together.” What a bunch of crock.
There is only one perfect person who had it all together. Day by day He teaches and reveals but we will never “arrive” or stop learning how to be more like Him. Let’s encourage each other in this. How do you battle and defeat society’s whispers that we should have it all together?
Hi there! I’m Markey! I’m inviting you to pull up a chair and join me in this thing called life. With me, you won’t find much fluff, but you will find an ordinary, girl who craves authenticity and Jesus. Visit me here to read my blog or grab some free Bible studies and reading plans.
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